With Hockey Season only 11 weeks away,
it’s probably time for everyone to start focusing on what lies ahead.
What you read here will prepare you
for the upcoming hockey season and have you ready when the puck drops for the first time.
Pay attention and follow the program.
Hockey players should believe in
higher religion: Its better to give (a can a of whup ass) then to receive.
Go downstairs and find your hockey
bag. Now open it and take a deep breath.
Smell all that fun, all those past victories, all the laughs.
Open and close the bag between 8
– 10 times. Do 5 reps and call it a night.
Go downstairs, but go down backwards. This will work different muscles in the legs.
(note, try and be sober). Find your hockey bag and repeat the zipper work
out until you feel the burn.
Go downstairs without using the handrail. This will train your body to regain its balance.
Find the hockey bag. Zipper workout and then lift the bag to your shoulder
just once. Careful not to strain yourself.
Open a Busch and drink it.
Repeat days One to Three from Week one,
but add bounding up the stairs when you are done your workout. This will shock
your quads and hopefully start preparing them for the future.
Day 4 – Open a Busch
and drink it. Practice reaching for a twoonie and throwing it into a jar simulate
the dressing payment plan.
Week Three – kick it up a notch
Find the hockey bag, skip the zipper
work out and lift the bag to your shoulder 5 times. DO NOT attempt to walk with
it. Remember, this program is a gradual build up.
If you find it too heavy, remove your skates for the time being.
Find the hockey bag. Repeat Day One program but now carry the bag to the base of the stairs once. Leave the bag their until tomorrow. (ignore the pleas from your wife)
Bring the hockey bag back to its
original location. Lift to your shoulder 5 times and call it a night.
Open a Busch and drink it. Then try to squash the empty can in your bare hand. This will give you the strength to hang to your stick.
( your hockey stick……..)
Repeat days 1 – 3 from Week
3. If you start getting complaints about leaving your hockey bag at the bottom
of the stairs, tell your wife you are using as a safety device for the kids. Hopefully
you have put your skates in the bag by now, at least one.
Open a Busch and drink it, but really,
really fast. Squash the empty can in your bare hand. FEEL THE POWER!!!!
Week Five -
Feel the Burn
Find the hockey bag and carry it up the
stairs. If you still find it too heavy take out the skates. Leave at the top of the stairs.
Bring the hockey bag donwnstairs. Just when you hear your wife say “Finally”, haul it back up the stairs
and leave it. Threaten the kid’s lives if they dare touch it.
Bring the bag downstairs, lift and hold
for 30 seconds for 5 reps, remember to breathe deeply.
Open two cans of Busch. Drink one the first one in 45 seconds. Take a two minutes
for the second one. Crush one in each hand.
Repeat Days one to Three from the
previous week. Your wife has probably started withholding sex by now, but remain
Open two Cans of Busch. Drink both really fast. While you are buzzed, beg for sex.
As soon as you get home from work, make
the mad dash downstairs, pick up your bag, scream out “I’m gonna be late” and haul your ass and your hockey
bag to your vehicle. This will prepare your heart for any aerobic activity. Once you make it to the car bring the bag downstairs.
If you find the bag too heavy, remove the skates.
Repeat Day One but this time also grab
your stick (your hockey stick…..)
Find the hockey bag, perform the zipper
workout and lift the bag 5 – 8 times. And hopefully by now you can leave
your fricking skates in the bag……
Place two Cans of Busch at the top
of the stairs. Go back down and then make the mad dash to the top to retrieve
them. While at the top and you are catching your breath, have the wife open them
for you and wipe your forehead with a cool damp rag. Chug the two beers back
to back so you can ignore the door slamming shut in your face.
Repeat Day’s one to three. On Day Four you may be out of beer. Send
the wife to the bar to pick up another case. While she is away practice the zipper
workout some more. When she gets back, ask her what took so long and chug two beers.
By now you should be able to start sipping on a third.
Week Nine – Almost there
Find the hockey Bag. Unpack it and pack it. Five Reps.
Repeat Day one, but after the fifth
rep, make the mad dash up the stairs to the vehicle. Don’t forget your
stick. If you forget your stick, impose a penalty on yourself and choose between
begging for sex, or perform the zipper work out.
Repeat day One but do it blindfolded. Use the Force……If after the fith rep you discover you have misplaced any
item from your hockey bag, blame your wife for sending out bad vibes…..
Place two beers at the top and the bottom
of the stairs. Start in the middle and go man makers. First to the top, down a beer, to the bottom down a beer, to top down a beer, to the bottom down a beer. While at the bottom you might as well just spend the night because you probably are
not going to get any.
Week 10 – Full trial
Race home from work. Find the hockey bag. Get upstairs, grab your stick and get
into the vehicle. Drive to the arena so you can just get their on instinct when
the season begins. One repetition is enough
Practice dialing Barry’s #
and coming up with excuses to use if you are going to miss a game.
Practice getting dressed. Make sure everything fits. DO NOT attempt to go anywhere. Make sure you look in a mirror to see that everything is on the right way. Get undressed and ask your wife to pack your hockey bag…………..Then pack it yourself.
Open 4 Cans of Busch and enjoy. Think of witty comebacks to use in the dressing room when you get burned by Barney.
Week 11 – This is it
Drink Three Cans of Busch and eat a sub
at about 10:30 pm to simulate Tuesday home Games.
Drink Four Cans of Busch and eat and Double
CheeseBurger at around 10:30 to simulate Tuesday home games.
Drink Four Cans of Busch and eat very expensive
chicken fingers from WhiteCap. This will get you used to digging a little deeper
in your wallet.
Day FourThe ultimate prep. Pack the bag, head upstairs to the vehicle. Drive to the corner bar and meet the boys. Drink many beers,
eat 4 Big Dude Platters, have some beer, solve all the world’s problems, call it a night and head home. The Season starts next week.