With Hockey Season only 11 weeks away, it’s probably time for everyone to start focusing on what lies ahead.

What you read here will prepare you for the upcoming hockey season and have you ready when the puck drops for the first time.  Pay attention and follow the program. 

Hockey players should believe in higher religion:  Its better to give (a can a of whup ass) then to receive. 

Week One

Day one

Go downstairs and find your hockey bag.  Now open it and take a deep breath.  Smell all that fun, all those past victories, all the laughs. 

Open and close the bag between 8 – 10 times.  Do 5 reps and call it a night. 

Day 2

Go downstairs, but go down backwards.  This will work different muscles in the legs.  (note, try and be sober).  Find your hockey bag and repeat the zipper work out until you feel the burn. 

Day 3

Go downstairs without using the handrail.  This will train your body to regain its balance.  Find the hockey bag.  Zipper workout and then lift the bag to your shoulder just once.  Careful not to strain yourself.

Day 4

Open a Busch and drink it. 

Week Two

Repeat days One to Three from Week one, but add bounding up the stairs when you are done your workout.  This will shock your quads and hopefully start preparing them for the future.

Day 4 – Open a Busch and drink it.  Practice reaching for a twoonie and throwing it into a jar simulate the dressing payment plan.

Week Three – kick it up a notch

Day One

Find the hockey bag, skip the zipper work out and lift the bag to your shoulder 5 times.  DO NOT attempt to walk with it.  Remember, this program is a gradual build up.  If you find it too heavy, remove your skates for the time being. 

Day Two

Find the hockey bag.  Repeat Day One program but now carry the bag to the base of the stairs once.  Leave the bag their until tomorrow. (ignore the pleas from your wife)

Day Three

Bring the hockey bag back to its original location.  Lift to your shoulder 5 times and call it a night. 

Day Four

Open a Busch and drink it.  Then try to squash the empty can in your bare hand. This will give you the strength to hang to your stick. ( your hockey stick……..)

Week 4

Repeat days 1 – 3 from Week 3.  If you start getting complaints about leaving your hockey bag at the bottom of the stairs, tell your wife you are using as a safety device for the kids.  Hopefully you have put your skates in the bag by now, at least one. 

Day Four

Open a Busch and drink it, but really, really fast.  Squash the empty can in your bare hand.  FEEL THE POWER!!!!

Week Five  - Feel the Burn

Day One

Find the hockey bag and carry it up the stairs.  If you still find it too heavy take out the skates.  Leave at the top of the stairs.

Day Two

Bring the hockey bag donwnstairs.  Just when you hear your wife say “Finally”, haul it back up the stairs and leave it.  Threaten the kid’s lives if they dare touch it. 

Day Three

Bring the bag downstairs, lift and hold for 30 seconds for 5 reps, remember to breathe deeply.

Day Four

Open two cans of Busch.  Drink one the first one in 45 seconds.  Take a two minutes for the second one.  Crush one in each hand. 

Week Six

Repeat Days one to Three from the previous week.  Your wife has probably started withholding sex by now, but remain focused. 

Day four

Open two Cans of Busch.  Drink both really fast.  While you are buzzed, beg for sex.

Week Seven

Day One

As soon as you get home from work, make the mad dash downstairs, pick up your bag, scream out “I’m gonna be late” and haul your ass and your hockey bag to your vehicle.  This will prepare your heart for any aerobic activity.  Once you make it to the car bring the bag downstairs.  If you find the bag too heavy, remove the skates.

Day Two

Repeat Day One but this time also grab your stick  (your hockey stick…..)

Day Three

Find the hockey bag, perform the zipper workout and lift the bag 5 – 8 times.  And hopefully by now you can leave your fricking skates in the bag……

Day Four

Place two Cans of Busch at the top of the stairs.  Go back down and then make the mad dash to the top to retrieve them.  While at the top and you are catching your breath, have the wife open them for you and wipe your forehead with a cool damp rag.  Chug the two beers back to back so you can ignore the door slamming shut in your face. 

Week Eight

Repeat Day’s one to three.  On Day Four you may be out of beer.  Send the wife to the bar to pick up another case.  While she is away practice the zipper workout some more. When she gets back, ask her what took so long and chug two beers.  By now you should be able to start sipping on a third. 

Week Nine – Almost there

Day One

Find the hockey Bag.  Unpack it and pack it.  Five Reps. 

Day Two

Repeat Day one, but after the fifth rep, make the mad dash up the stairs to the vehicle.  Don’t forget your stick.  If you forget your stick, impose a penalty on yourself and choose between begging for sex, or perform the zipper work out. 

Day Three

Repeat day One but do it blindfolded.  Use the Force……If after the fith rep you discover you have misplaced any item from your hockey bag, blame your wife for sending out bad vibes…..

Day Four

Place two beers at the top and the bottom of the stairs.  Start in the middle and go man makers.  First to the top, down a beer, to the bottom down a beer, to top down a beer, to the bottom down a beer.  While at the bottom you might as well just spend the night because you probably are not going to get any.

Week 10 – Full trial

Day One

Race home from work.  Find the hockey bag.  Get upstairs, grab your stick and get into the vehicle.  Drive to the arena so you can just get their on instinct when the season begins.  One repetition is enough

Day Two

Practice dialing Barry’s # and coming up with excuses to use if you are going to miss a game. 

Day Three

Practice getting dressed.  Make sure everything fits.  DO NOT attempt to go anywhere.  Make sure you look in a mirror to see that everything is on the right way.  Get undressed and ask your wife to pack your hockey bag…………..Then pack it yourself. 

Day Four

Open 4 Cans of Busch and enjoy.  Think of witty comebacks to use in the dressing room when you get burned by Barney. 

Week 11 – This is it

Day One

Drink Three Cans of Busch and eat a sub at about 10:30 pm to simulate Tuesday home Games.

Day Two

Drink Four Cans of Busch and eat and Double CheeseBurger at around 10:30 to simulate Tuesday home games.

Day Three

Drink Four Cans of Busch and eat very expensive chicken fingers from WhiteCap.  This will get you used to digging a little deeper in your wallet.

Day Four